The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
