I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
