mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
