Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Sext me about skeletons
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
