Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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