My girlfriend figured out who you are.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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