she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
