we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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