Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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