Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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