i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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