i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
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