just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
