I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
