oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
