3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
