omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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