the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Randomize
