"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
