so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Randomize
