Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
