it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
