the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
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