dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
