I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
