So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
