god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
