you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
