Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
