My sheets look like a crime scene.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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