Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
