I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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