that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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