Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
