Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
