Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
