did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize