Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
