We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
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