Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
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