Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
We're like a lot better than the average bears
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
He better not be in your backpack
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
