I didn't shave. On purpose
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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