Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
