Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Randomize
