At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
