I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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