i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
