Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
