I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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