4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
