mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
