So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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