he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
