then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Randomize
