So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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