wakey wakey hands off snakey
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
We just shotgunned beers for America
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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