The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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