i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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