don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Randomize
