not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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