so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
