Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
