i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
